In the Silence of the Heart

The delightful craziness of finishing 4 years of undergrad, planning a wedding, and getting married caused an overwhelming chaos to take root deep down in my soul. It raged about like a tornado and when the dust settled, so did I--discontent with the state of my heart but content to wallow in passivity and distance from God.

In an effort to calm the chaos, I busied myself with settling into my apartment like a good little housewife, not realizing my heart was in a worse state than my home. Though things in Apt. #16 finally started feeling more restful, my heart wasn't satisfied. Rushing to and fro like Martha had only made things worse.

In my distress I called to the LORD; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears. (Psalm 18:6)

I fell on my face before God, asking Him to forgive me for putting everything else but Him first, for taking all of His blessings for granted by consuming my time and energy with arranging them. I asked Him to calm the chaos in my heart, the restlessness. I asked Him to take away the the constant urge to busy myself and to draw close to me once again, to speak to me. By pulling every good thing God had given me (including my new husband) close to me, I had buried myself in striving. But at the foot of the cross, my striving ceased.

In the past 3 days, I have diligently fallen before the throne (trust me, it felt unfamiliar and unacceptable to come again after so long.) But instead of a stern face, I saw kindness. Instead of a hand to the shoulder in rebuke, I felt a warm embrace (I even fell peacefully asleep yesterday after reading and praying, content to rest in the arms of the Father because He accepted me, once again, as I was.)

Today His voice came clearly, in a direct answer to my cry for Him to speak and draw near. I felt led to play Audrey Assad's album "Fortunate Fall" as I read and prayed today, and almost every song shot to the core of my panting soul. I found rest in listening to the voice of God through Audrey's music. In listening, I discovered you don't have to still your own heart before you come. Ask for stillness, push away distractions, open your heart and His Word, and He will draw near to you and draw you near to Him; and being that close to Him, you will hear Him speak in a beautiful, still small voice.

You Speak 

by Audrey Assad

You liberate me from my own noise and my own chaos

From the chains of a lesser law You set me free

In the silence of the heart You speak

And it is there that I will know You

And you will know me

In the silence of the heart

You speak, You speak.

You satisfy me till I am quiet and confident

In the work of the Spirit I cannot see.

In the silence of the heart You speak.