I am A Light

I cried for hours.

That is unusual for me. My tearful outbreaks are usually over in five minutes. They are just a need for release. This was different. 

I was anxious. I was overwhelmed. I was stressed. I was driving. 

Not a good combination, especially if you understand of my driving skills (I'll pass the test... probably). So, since I was also praying, I said to God:

"Ok God. THANK YOU for saving my life in the non-crash that just happened. It's obviously a bad idea for me to drive while anxious... so I put it aside. It's not there. I march forward without anxiety. I march forward without hope."

Those words came out without my permission. I was aghast - I can't say that, I'm not allowed to say that, I know better than that... but I also knew that it was my truth, which is why I started to cry.

When I'm trying to be brave I say the things I don't feel. Because it's important and powerful to be confident. Be confident in those answers that you need but haven't seen yet. Be confident in the promises of God when you don't feel the relationship. But also don't be afraid to verbalize your fears. Don't mask who you are in trying to be the better person. 

There is a balance needed. It is a balance I sadly, often, lack. 

So this was the moment of breakthrough. Where the hopelessness broke through my walls of confidence. Where the shame broke through the fortress of promises. Where the abandonment I felt broke into pieces the support of love I receive from my friends, my family, my God.

With so many broken things, I had to face the fact that I could not EVER put them back together on my own. I was simply unable. So,  I did it. I phoned a friend (you know... to help you with an answer that THEY probably know but YOU can't remember in the moment) and Rebekah ministered to me. 

I was able to stop crying... For about five minutes. AKA long enough to drop off the things for work, before starting to drive again.

So I am still praying, not even sure what to pray. Still crying, not sure how to stop. So I tried again. I texted a friend. I texted several friends (#nolimits). And it was KK's turn to minister to me.

One dose of ministry is not always enough. For me it took two, then an hour later I needed some more, and the next day it had to happen again. Friends - this need for help is not weakness. Every day we are meant to be a part of a supportive and uplifting community. There will be times when you are doing the support and there will be times when you just need to receive. 

Two women, dear friends of mine, who have never met, joined together in lifting me up when I had fallen (this is not the first time they have worked together for good purposes, and I doubt the last). 

It was a new moment of breakthrough. Kat had sent me a text about the heart of God. His love and his desire for me. And I needed to respond. I pulled over into a 5 min parking zone and scrambled for a pen and the journal I had near. After the first sentence was on the paper I threw both aside because I could not get the words on the page fast enough. 

iPhone App : Voice Memos. Where I maintain a running log of new melodies that I sing, poems I haven't written yet and sermons I have clandestinely recorded. Now also this. Inspired by the hear of God, made possible by the ministry of dear friends, captured by human technology, and shared freely by myself. 

Please listen. Please share. Please discuss. It's not perfection, it's a psalm. I was thinking of David's emotional outbreaks, how strange his life was, full of triumphs and travesties, mess-ups and masterpieces, pinnacles and pitfalls (#lovewordplay). God always changes things. He brings the dead to life. I'm sharing my little journey - letting you know where I'm at what God has done with me. 

I Am Light : https://soundcloud.com/raechilli/i-am-light